By Thomas Young
You know him as the master of mixed martial arts and the owner of a glorious black ponytail, the darling of countless 90s action flicks and 2000s direct-to-DVD releases. He is the man with the perpetually squinting eyes, the wrinkly face, and the wonderfully cheesy one-liners: Steven Seagal.
Less known than his storied career in Hollywood, perhaps, are his sporadic forays into the music industry. Seagal has released two full-length albums in his career: 2006's "Mojo Priest" and 2005's "Songs From the Crystal Cave". While the former is an admittedly lackluster blues album, the latter is a multi-faceted and complex look into Seagal's musical influences, religion, and worldviews.
It's also horrendously bad — and I mean, seriously, seriously awful. The album transcends all similar celebrity musical projects, lacking both the surprising rock and roll swagger of Don Johnson's "Heartbeat" (1986) and the niche funk appeal of Bruce Willis' "The Return of Bruno" (1987). Indeed, while Seagal's acting may fall behind that of his fellow 90s action stars, his music does so tenfold.
I use the term "soft rock" as a very loose descriptor for Seagal's music, for if there was only one word to describe "Songs From the Crystal Cave", it would be confused. It's confused stylistically, showcasing musical genres ranging from reggae and blues to country and calypso. It's confused about its message, with a variety of lyrical themes, including poverty, failed relationships, and Seagal's own esoteric religious beliefs. It's confused about its audience, since, despite Seagal's success in Hollywood, "Songs From the Crystal Cave" was never released in the United States.
In many ways, "Songs From the Crystal Cave" is really two albums combined into one, and while the first five tracks are a mediocre amalgamation of blues and country, the album really falls apart at its sixth track, tilted "My God" and featuring none other than Stevie Wonder.
Why such a virtuoso would attach himself to this atrocious piece of music remains a mystery, as "My God" is not only a disaster from a technical standpoint, but is also incredibly offensive and borderline xenophobic.
"My god is better than your god," he declares in the song, "My god is bigger than yours!"
From there, the album devolves further into several poor attempts at reggae and calypso, with a few brief respites found in Seagal's mediocre country tunes. Seagal is joined by some talented studio musicians on this album, although all of them are overshadowed by his choked vocals and clumsy guitar playing. There are several points in the album where Seagal's attempts at making music go from bad to downright awkward, such as the chorus of "Don't You Cry", during which he is obviously singing outside of his vocal range, and the entirety of "Strut", when Seagal adopts a feigned Jamaican accent.
All in all, "Songs From the Crystal Cave" isn't worth a listen, even if it's just for a laugh. Every song on the album is either boring or unacceptably bad — and you can guarantee that at least one person in the room will be offended by Seagal's tone-deaf religious lyricism and cultural appropriation.
You can reach Thomas Young at thomasry@uci.edu !
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